The Diary of Jessica Lee Moore - The Stanford Years
by Lanthiriel25
Summary: What if Jess wrote a diary during her time at Stanford, recording all the things that happened to her, her hopes, her dreams, her fears? Starting a new chapter in her life, beginning classes, making friends, meeting Sam and falling in love... Jess' college years and time at Stanford (August 2003 - November 2005).
1. Introduction

Summary: What if Jess wrote a diary during her time in Stanford, recording all the things that happened to her, her hopes, her dreams, her fears? Starting a new chapter in her life, beginning classes, making friends, meeting Sam, falling in love... Jess' college years and time at Stanford (August 2003 - November 2005).

Warnings: None. I will warn in future chapters if there is something that needs highlighting.

Disclaimer: Writing belongs to me. Everything else belongs to CW/Kripke/Warner Brothers and co. For entertainment purposes only.

AN: I re-watched the Pilot a few weeks ago and got to thinking about Jess. I was surprised how little Jess actually appears in the show because to me she seems like such a strong presence, and such an important influence on Sam in lots of little ways. She knew nothing of the supernatural world; she was just a normal girl, excited to be studying at Stanford, taking her first step into the next chapter in her life. I started to think about what her life must have been like: the times she spent studying, laughing, crying; hanging out with her friends and having fun; meeting, dating and falling in love with Sam, what she thought of him, what plans and dreams she had; and all the other ordinary, everyday things college students experience. And so 'Jess' Diary' was born… Apart from the introduction/prologue, the entries will be written in first-person diary format.

AN2: I have finished writing Jess's diary and will update as regularly as I can.

Hope you enjoy :) Reviews are very much appreciated.

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The Diary of Jessica Lee Moore - The Stanford Years

_By Lanthiriel25_

Introduction

Going through the wreckage, looking for any clue as to the demon's identity or whereabouts, any kind of lead, Sam's gaze snagged on the splash of colour amongst the ashes of his and Jess's home. It was the charred and burnt remains of a book he was so painfully, heart-breakingly familiar with, a book he'd seen clutched in Jess's loving grip more times than he could count. His eyes burned at the memory of trying every trick he could think of to get her to let him sneak a peek at its contents, but she'd always laughed at him and told him no, tone teasing, tongue caught between her teeth, eyes sparkling. Sam's hands trembled as he crouched down, carefully pushing away the debris of what had once been their bed which obscured the delicate cover.

Gently picking up the precious book, Sam swallowed hard. He could almost hear his girlfriend's voice mock-scolding him for daring to touch her diary, her expression warning, eyebrow arched, yet with a smile stretching across her face. Visions of a pyjama-clad Jess sitting curled up against him on the sofa as she wrote in her diary blurred in front of his eyes. He could hear her pen scratching on the page as she recorded her thoughts and feelings, the diary balanced in her lap, the sound of her soft breathing calming and soothing him after a hard day's studying. He remembers how warm she felt against him, the way she would tuck her feet between the cushions of the sofa to chase away the cold and bury herself further into his comforting embrace.

Sam crumples to the rubble-strewn floor, tears blurring his vision as he sees her tilt her head back and to the side to catch his mouth in a gentle kiss, flashing him a contented smile before turning back to her book, making sure to angle it away from Sam's eyeline, chewing her pen in thought before continuing to write, brow slightly furrowed in concentration. Sam hugged the diary to his chest, as if he could bring Jess back, alive and smiling, by keeping her last words and thoughts protected.

Sam wedged himself against the wall, the paint blackened and peeling around him. She was gone. Jess was gone and this was all he had left of her. Some faded ink on burnt pages. Sam's body was wracked with sobs as he gasped for air through the tears which spilled in despairing rivers down his cheeks. He was rocking unconsciously where he sat, the sadness and guilt too much too bear. Her laughing eyes, her kind smile, her loving touch, he'd never see or feel them again. He clutched the diary harder against his heart as he lost himself to the suffocating grief.

He couldn't read it, not now, not yet; her loss was too painful, too raw. But one day, when her absence was no longer a gaping, burning wound, Sam would open the pages, carefully, reverently, and read Jess's last gift to the world, cherishing, treasuring every precious word. It would hurt him, soul-deep, but Sam would do this for her, keeping Jess alive through the pages, reliving his time with her through her eyes, as if for the first time, brand new and shining, falling for her all over again. His girlfriend. His Jess. Always.


	2. 29th August 2003 - 8th January 2004

AN: I decided Jess was studying to be a pre-school teacher; it was an idea that stuck with me ever since I saw her in the Pilot. It just seemed to me like something that she would be good at. Also, I got the idea for Jess being interested in Art from the Pilot - in Sam's and her apartment there are paintings scattered around and an easel in the corner of their bedroom. I figured they'd belong to Jess rather than Sam! This section of her diary is before Jess meets Sam - I wanted to establish her as a person in her own right first of all. She will meet Sam in the next chapter.

AN2: Hope you enjoy this chapter :) Reviews are much appreciated :)

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29th August 2003 - 8th January 2004

_29__th__ August 2003_

Dear Diary,

Mom bought me this journal to take with me to college. Something to record all the memories in, she said. Everyone says that university is the best time of your life - I'm so excited to get started but so nervous at the same time. It's like my brain can't decide what to feel!

I can't believe that it's finally here. All the years of dreaming, working hard, applying, planning – I can't believe I'm starting at Stanford (Stanford!) in a couple of days! I've always wanted to be a teacher, ever since I can remember, and now I'm going to college to study Education; it doesn't feel real! This time in four years I might be prepping for the new school year and my very own class of children!

I'm going to miss the girls at the playgroup and the children I worked with. They threw me a party and made me a huge card on my last day. Mandy painted all the children's hands and they finger-painted my card since they can't write yet. I love it; it's so cute! It's definitely coming with me to California. I cried when I left, leaving them all behind, but I've promised myself I'll go back and visit when I can.

It's sad saying goodbye to all my friends too. None of them are going to Stanford; I'm not going to know anyone. Dad says I'll make friends just fine, that everyone will be in the same boat, but it still makes me feel sick just thinking about it! What if nobody likes me? I'm trying to remember what I told the children in the playgroup about just being yourself, but it's hard.

I'm trying to pack the final bits and pieces but I keep getting distracted by things I find in my room, like my high school class photo and year book, my elementary school swimming medals, and the stories I wrote when I was six and wanted to be a librarian. I've even found a couple of those book cards which I made myself and glued into every book in the house. Mom was furious when she'd found out what I'd done; Dad just laughed and said it was cute. I'm really going to miss them.

But for all the goodbyes, I'm looking forward to starting a new chapter in my life. Who knows what's going to happen?! I've got all my enrolment documents in my folder ready for sign-up and orientation, and most of my things are packed up and ready to go. It's sad to see my room practically empty I must admit but it feels good at the same time. This feels like such a big moment: me, student at Stanford, School of Education – my first step towards officially becoming 'Miss Moore', pre-school teacher extraordinaire!

Wish me luck!

Jess

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_1st September 2003_

Dear Diary,

I'm shattered. First day on campus! It's been a whirlwind of a day! I don't really know where to start!

My parents helped me move in all my things into my room; I didn't realise I had so much stuff! I'm sharing with a Drama major, Lotta. She's really nice, kind of loud and outgoing, but that's great. It compensated for my shyness when meeting new people. I'm hoping I'll grow out of this annoying habit whilst here! Lotta helped me unpack and when I got a bit teary after I waved Mom and Dad off she gave me the biggest hug ever which was really nice. She introduced me to her twin brother, Nicolai; he's down the hall from us. I forget what he's studying; there are so many new names and faces!

I love my room. I'm in a block over-looking the far end of the quad so it's a fantastic view of campus. I could people watch out the window for hours, although I guess I won't have time for that! Too much studying and socialising I'm sure! Me and Lotta have decorated our room with posters and pictures, so our little room feels as homey as ever.

Lotta showed me where I needed to register for my courses – I am now officially an Education major at Stanford! I met a couple of coursemates whilst I was waiting in line to register. Everyone seems really friendly. We were taken on a tour of campus. It's massive! We had a quick look around on my interview day but they took us to more places this afternoon – it's huge! I think I'm going to need a map until at least the end of my sophomore year!

There were some induction activities this evening; the School of Ed. had organised a barbeque in the quad which was amazing! I think I ate about ten burgers! Afterwards Lotta dragged me to the karoke bar where we met up with some other students who are on our floor. Whilst I am now deaf, I did get to know our neighbours a little better.

Nicolai, Lotta and I are going into town tomorrow to explore and buy some stationary things before orientation lectures start. So excited to get to know Stanford and Palo Alto!

Bedtime now,

Jess

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_4__th__ September 2003_

Dear Diary,

It was the fair today. The quad was packed even though me and Lotta waited until lunchtime to go down, hoping to miss the rush. Nicolai said we were nuts to wait, (actually, I think 'bat-crap crazy' was the expression he used!) apparently memberships go insanely fast but we did ok. Lotta managed to get the last spot on the drama team; she made me promise to help her practice for her audition for the first production. I said I would, but only if she gets me VIP tickets to every production she's in!

I've joined the swim club and the Art society. I'm so happy that I'm able to carry on with my two favorite hobbies – as well as the course itself, I really wanted to come here because I knew there was a chance I could carry on both my art and swimming. I'd hate to have to give even one of them up after fifteen years!

I've got my first swim trial on Tuesday and the Art society meet on Thursdays. I'm so excited to get started! I'd better dust off my Art stuff – I can't even remember where I put them when I unpacked, maybe under the bed…? Not sure what we'll be starting with, but I kind of hope it's painting; it's been too long since I've got my hands on a canvas!

I'm thinking I might try to persuade Lotta to come down to the pool with me in a little while. I can't dive in on Tuesday without some speed and endurance training beforehand…Coach Williams would be disappointed!

Off to splash!

Jess

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_8__th__ September 2003_

Dear Diary,

It was my first day of lectures today and I've already got so much work! We had 101 lectures in Professional Issues, Child Psychology, Safeguarding and the new Learning through Play philosophies and strategies. They were all so interesting; I can't wait to get stuck in. This is what I dreamed of before coming here – learning all the theory behind the methods and practices, learning how to use the research to help me to be the best teacher I can when I get into the classroom.

We've got a ton of reading to do already so I went to the library to pick the key readings up. I was in there for like an hour since I couldn't find the education section – told you I'd need a map! I managed to get all of them but one though which is good. The Learning through Play article looks really interesting; I did quite a bit of research and analysis of this for my final independent study paper in High School, so I think I'm going to start with that one.

Food first though! Can't study without something to snack on!

Jess

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_9__th__ September 2003_

Dear Diary,

Just got back from my first training session and swim trial. It went so well! I was a bit rusty to begin with, (it's been too long since I trained properly) but as the session went on the more it felt just like it used to. The coaches really put me through my paces, but they seemed to like me. I'm aching already though, so I dread to think how I'm going to be feeling in the morning! A soak in the bath is definitely in order tonight I think.

There's an informal gala coming up before competition season and the committee and coaches have provisionally picked me for the mixed freestyle relay and the solo 800m medley. I can't believe it! I'm the only freshman on the relay; Coach Stevens is going to freak out when I tell him!

I must admit I was a bit intimidated by the other relay swimmers at first but they were really welcoming – Todd, Brady and Olivia. They invited me for drinks at the weekend after training. Brady's in his final year studying something to do with finance, I think, and Todd and Olivia are sophomores, hoping to major in Micro-biology. Brady's on the swim committee too; he's helping to put together a training package for us and I can't wait to get started -

Lotta's screaming for me. I'm guessing another spider has attacked her or something! My work is never done! I'd better go!

Jess

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_11__th__ September 2003_

Dear Diary,

I am so glad I joined the Art society. I'm definitely a bit out-of-practice on my drawing and the less said about my sculptures the better, but Chessie was so sweet. She's a mature student majoring in Criminal Psychology. She told me some stories about what they're studying at the moment; it sounds interesting, but I also don't know how she sleeps at night, some of the case studies were kind of disturbing. Her niche is drawing, so she said she'd help me with my perspectives if I'd like.

There's a charity Art gallery and auction in a few months' time and we've been asked if we'd like to donate some pieces. I'd love to be involved so I'm going along to the fundraiser this weekend to find out more. If they allow painting I think I'm going to see if I can get a big canvas from somewhere and get creative. It's been too long!

If I can get my reading for tomorrows lecture finished, I'm gonna to sketch out some ideas before bed.

I spoke to Mom and Dad earlier; they're doing great. Apparently Dad attempted to cook Mom breakfast in bed the other day and almost burnt down the kitchen after he got distracted by a football re-run on cable and forgot about it. Mom said she had to throw out two saucepans and an oven tray because they were beyond saving, and she had to literally wash the walls because the smoke got so bad! I wish I'd been there to see that! Dad's normally a good cook, just not when football's on apparently!

Time for some studying, I think…

Jess

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_7__th__ October 2003_

Dear Diary,

I miss home. Everyone here is so nice and I'm loving all my lectures, but I really want a hug from Mom and Dad. The work-load and assignments are cranking up and the swim training is getting more intense - I'm starting to feel a bit panicky. It's not even that it's too much to deal with; I still have time to go out with Lotta and Nicolai for drinks every now and again, and I went to the movies and dinner just last night with Natalie, Beth and Todd but I just…it seems like forever since I've seen my parents, and I really miss them.

I know it'll pass, just like it did when I went to camp when I was younger, but it's taking all I have not to jump on the next bus out of here. I want to call them, but I'm trying not to; I know I'll end up crying over the phone and I don't want to upset them. It's all so hard.

I need chocolate…

Jess

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_18__th__ November 2003_

Dear Diary,

This assignment is killing me. It's interesting and all, but I think my brain turned to mush about two weeks ago! .Reading! There aren't enough hours in the day. I can't believe it's been so long since I've written in here! All I seem to be doing is working, sleeping and eating right now!

On the plus side, my tutor is busy organizing our placement schools and she said that the school which she's thinking about sending me to is the one she taught in for a few years before she got the lecturing/training job at Stanford. She said it's a brilliant school, with really friendly, helpful staff and a great group of kids; I hope I do get assigned to that school. it sounds great!

Counting down the days til Thanksgiving. As soon as this assignment is handed in I'm travelling back home. I'm so excited! Mom told me the other day than Grammy and Pappy are coming this year. I can't wait to see them!

All I've got to do between now and then is finish this darn essay.

Help me!

Jess

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_27__th__ November 2003_

Dear Diary

My Thanksgiving 2003: I am thankful I survived my assignments and was able to come home for the holiday weekend. I am thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful for all the fun times I've had at college so far. I hope there are many more to come!

It's so great to be home and spending time with Mom, Dad, Grammy and Pappy. Not having to think about research, reading and assignments has been really nice too! It's been a typical Thanksgiving – good food, good company, good fun, and plenty of lazing around on the couch, playing board games and watching inordinate amounts of TV! If I don't go back to Stanford with square eyes it will be a miracle!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Jess

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_3__rd__ December 2003_

Dear Diary,

My tutor placed me in her old school, just like she promised! I met the children who I'll be working with on placement today. They're adorable. There's eighteen of them and they're little sweethearts. My school mentor is lovely, really helpful. She could tell I was nervous as soon as I walked in the door so she made sure I got stuck right in with the children so I didn't have too much time to panic. I can't say how much that helped! I spent the morning in the reading corner with the beanbags, reading the children stories. The looks on their faces as I told them about princesses and knights and witches reminded me exactly why I chose teaching as a major instead of Art. Melts my heart every time.

When all the children had gone home, she sat me down and talked me through the school policies and procedures – there's so much to remember, and it's so different from Rise and Shine Playgroup! She showed me her planning and evidence files too. I'm going to be helping her with those. I'm so glad I won't have to be doing my own just yet; another year or so before that happens, thank goodness! There's so much paperwork to do; anyone who says teaching is easy is a fool!

So, all in all, it's been a really great day. I'm so looking forward to getting to work with the children, despite still being slightly overwhelmed and terrified about the whole thing!

I've got a couple of sketches to finish before tonight's Art class so I'd better get going.

Scribble-time!

Jess

_Note to self – Lotta makes the best cocoa; bribe and/or blackmail her to make it for me every day…_

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_8__th__ January 2004_

Dear Diary,

Just flown in from being home for Christmas. It's freezing! Looking forward to spending a few weeks in school with the children though. I've got lots of wintery activities planned. Hope the children enjoy them!

Christmas was really lovely. I always love Christmas. Thanksgiving always seems to fly by so quickly; it's nice to have that little bit longer to really wind down and enjoy relaxing over the Christmas break. As always, we ate far too much, gave each other embarrassing gifts, and baked about a million mince pies. Mom waited to decorate the house until I got back. We always decorate together: me, Mom and Dad. I was sad thinking about them doing it without me, so it was a wonderful surprise to come back to find the decorations still in their boxes. We spent my first evening back putting them all up and dancing around the house to Christmas music like fools! I think that might be my favorite Christmas tradition!

I've brought back a million of Mom's raspberry and white chocolate cookies to bribe Lotta with. With weather like this I'm going to need all the heavenly cocoa I can get my hands on!

Happy New Year!

Jess

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Thanks for reading :) Next chapter coming soon - Jess meets Sam for the first time...


	3. 4th February - 11th March 2004

AN: This chapter is all about Sam and Jess meeting and the friendship which they develop. I tried to stay as true to canon as possible, for example, having Brady introduce them (as painful as that was to write, knowing what's to come! *cries*). As much I enjoyed writing about Jess' experiences in college, I've enjoyed writing Sam and Jess together even more. Hope you enjoy reading - reviews very much appreciated :)

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4th February - 11th March 2004

_4__th__ February 2004_

Dear Diary,

I'm never going to be able to memorize all I need to for this exam. There is literally no more space in my brain. Maybe if I scooped out how to cook and swim, and all that apparently pointless knowledge, there might be some space left in my memory for more case studies, but somehow I doubt it! This is insane! Every spare minute I'm revising, I can't take much more of this!

I was getting sick of the library walls, so I decided to brave the quieter end of the quad and get some fresh air whilst I studied. It worked for a while, and I can finally tick Vygotsky off my list, thank goodness. If I hear one more thing about 'proximal development' I'm going to scream! Anyway, whilst I was out there, Brady found me. He had this guy with him. Sam. Apparently Brady knows him through the debating society; he studies pre-law. He seemed kind of shy but really nice. He asked me what I was reading, and had actually heard of Vygotsky! Can you believe it?! Normally no-one outside of Ed. theory has heard of him!

We chatted for a while but then Brady had to go. Sam stayed for a bit longer before dashing off to his next seminar. He was sweet; he offered to test me which I thought was really kind. He told me he was super stressed as well since he's got mid-terms coming up too. He offered to buy me a coffee from the stall across the way when I said I was feeling kind of tired; said he needed a 'pick-me-up' too. But when we got there it turned out he hadn't got enough change. He seemed really embarrassed by it; he full-on blushed and everything, but hey, I know what living on a student budget is like! You're lucky if you have two cents to rub together! Thankfully Beth paid me back the ten dollars she owed me yesterday so I was able to get them for us. Sam argued at first, but when I told him he could get them for us next time he agreed. He seemed shocked that I said there'd be a next time. I hope there is; he was sweet. But maybe that should wait until exams are done – sleep-deprived and high on caffeine is not the best combination when wanting to get know someone! Another reason for these stupid tests to be over with quickly!

Off for more caffeine after my short journal break (but I'm not addicted, I swear!).

Jess

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_12__th__ February 2004_

Dear Diary,

MID-TERMS ARE DONE! Sleep! Off to hibernate. Back in a month's time!

Zzzzzzzzz!

Jess

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_16__th__ February 2004_

Dear Diary,

OK, so now that exams are done and I'm all caught up on sleep, (and feeling slightly more human!), I've got a lot to write down. Woke up this morning feeling much better, but too late to catch the cafeteria breakfast, so I went down to 'Benjamin's' just off campus. Nothing like yogurt, fruit and granola to wake you up in the morning! I was enjoying the delicious food and just simply watching the world go by, when my phone rang. I didn't recognise the number, but it wouldn't be the first time Nicolai has lost or broken his phone and has had to borrow someone else's to let his friends know. It wasn't Nicolai though; it was Sam!

Turns out Brady had told him I'd had my last test and had given Sam my number, telling him it would be a good idea to call me. He seemed nervous talking over the phone, but super kind and polite as ever. He asked me how exams went and whether I'd caught up on sleep yet. He said that he didn't like being in my coffee debt so would I let him take me out for coffee some time? He sounded so surprised and happy when I said yes. He couldn't do today, but I'm meeting him at 2 tomorrow at Bean o' Clock a couple of blocks over.

I'm looking forward to it. It's not a date or anything, just friends, or at least, I hope we can be friends. He seems really kind and more normal than Nicolai ever has a hope of being! Nicolai's kind of insane! The fact that it's not a date isn't stopping me from feeling jittery about the whole thing though. I've already started to think about what I should wear and I don't think I've shut up about Sam since I've got back. Lotta said she's going to smack me round the head with her Complete Works of Shakespeare if she has to hear any more of my wonderings about what he's like. I phoned Brady for the inside scoop, but he hasn't been any help in telling me more about Sam, just that he's a good guy with a wicked sense of humor. Can't wait to spend some more time with him and find out more about him.

Wish me luck for tomorrow!

Jess

* * *

_17__th__ February 2004_

Dear Diary,

It's 9 o' clock and I've only just got in from coffee with Sam! Lotta made some lewd comment about what we'd been up to but we actually spent the entire afternoon in the window table of the coffee shop chatting away like old friends. He seemed a bit nervous at first, fidgeting and fiddling with the condiment tray on the table, but as soon as we'd started talking and got a proper conversation going he seemed to relax. We talked about Stanford, lecturers, how I was settling in, my family, politics, books, places we've been on holiday, just everything. Sam seems really well travelled; I think he's been to every state! It's amazing! Wish I'd had a chance to see as much of the country as Sam had growing up, but, who knows, maybe I'll be able to do some travelling of my own once I'm working and bringing in the big bucks! It was strange though, hearing Sam talk about it; sometimes it was as if he would start to say something but then thought better of it, maybe like he shouldn't. I think he's just shy.

I didn't realise the time until Lotta called, asking where I was because she'd locked herself out and could I get my butt back home so I could let her in? I didn't want to go but what could I do? Sam offered to walk me back. I told him he didn't have to, but he insisted; said he didn't want me walking back in the dark on my own since I couldn't know what was out there in the dark. I laughed at that before I saw his expression. He was so earnest and serious about it; he almost seemed worried about me, so I agreed, not that I took much persuading since it meant more time in his company!

Even though we were talking all evening I don't feel like I know a great deal more about him, factually at least. But I do feel like I know more about him as a person. He's as sweet and kind as I thought; he held the door open for me which I thought was really considerate and he made sure to thank and tip our barista before we left. He even lent me his jacket when it started to get a bit chilly walking back. Such a gentleman! Why can't more guys be like him?!

I had such a great time with Sam. My cheeks ache from smiling so much! Hope we can get together again soon.

I'm not going to be able to concentrate on any work now, so I'm off to lounge in front of the TV for a while before bed. Don't judge me!

Jess

* * *

_19__th__ February 2004_

Dear Diary,

It was the annual Winter Hog-roast today so Lotta, Nicolai, Beth and I headed down to the quad for some food and laughs. I was looking forward to it anyway, but it turned out so much better than I'd hoped… I was sat with my paper-plate full of salad and honey roasted ham, chatting with Beth about the next swim gala, when someone comes up behind me and covers my eyes, asking 'guess who?' It was Sam! He was there with his friends too; Brady was with him, Eli, a girl called Becky and her brother Zach. We shuffled around and made room for them all and we spent the evening eating and chatting. It was great – good food, even better company. Even though we were on the soft drinks Brady decided it would be fun to play 'I never…' which was interesting to say the least! This descended into a Truth or Dare style game (yes, we are all twelve years olds, what can I say?!), resulting in Nicolai running through the quad with some underpants on his head! Not sure whose they were. We ended up back at Becky's, playing Twister all of things! Can't remember the last time I laughed so hard; my sides still ache from it! Sam won but I think he had an unfair advantage being as long-limbed as he is!

It was so nice to see Sam with his friends; he's not loud by any means, but he was so open and relaxed, smiling wide and laughing at Nicolai's jokes like they were the funniest he'd ever heard. He has the best laugh; I just couldn't help but smile every time he did.

Sam's friends are so nice. Becky, Brady, Sam and Eli are going to the movies tomorrow and they asked if we wanted to go, make it a thing. Lotta and Nicolai can't since they're travelling home for their grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary, but Beth and I said yes. Sam smiled at this, bumping his shoulder with mine. Not sure what to read into that; maybe he was just being friendly… We're meeting everyone in town at the food market beforehand to grab a bite before we go in. It's going to be so fun hanging out with everyone and getting to know Becky, Sam and Eli better. (I already know more about Brady than I'd care to admit; he has this problem with over-sharing! Oh, the stories I've heard!)

Better get some work done since I didn't get much done today and I want to be able to enjoy tomorrow with the gang.

Jess

* * *

_21__st__ February 2004_

Dear Diary,

Food and the movies was great! Well, the movie was terrible, seriously awful, but I had so much fun. I was sitting next to Sam in the cinema and after about 20 minutes into the movie we were already bored so we started to throw our popcorn at Beth, Becky and everyone. We even worked out a point system based on how far down the row they were – 1 point for Becky, 2 points for Eli, 3 for Beth and 4 for Brady. Sam has surprisingly good aim and beat me by about 10 points. We kept getting glared at by the people in front; I'm guessing our whispers and giggles weren't as quiet as we thought. Ooops!

It didn't take long for the four of them to fight back, which totally wasn't fair since Eli had nachos and he got dip everywhere! We almost got thrown out when Sam tipped the rest of our popcorn over me and Becky; I kind of shrieked, but it was worth it to see Sam laugh so hard he nearly cried.

Sam and Becky had to get back straight after the movie; Sam said they'd got an early morning tomorrow, something about a visit to county court, I'm not sure. Becky's studying pre-law just like Sam.

I really like Sam. He's a great guy. I mean, I knew that from when we went out for coffee and he made sure I got back to mine safely but he's just… I don't know, he's funny, he's kind, he's cute, he works hard, he cares for his friends. I really like him and I don't know if I'm imagining it or not but maybe he likes me too and there could be something there…? I caught him watching me during the movie; I don't know if he realised he was doing it. If I caught his eye, he'd smile, blush, then look away. He's adorable! I'm so glad Brady introduced us.

Off for a shower now to get the sticky sugar out my hair from Sam's popcorn ambush. I'm going to have to think of a way to get him back for that! I'm sure Becky will help me.

Jess

* * *

_1st March 2004_

Dear Diary,

Five days until the charity Art gallery. My painting is finally finished and submitted, so now the committee is working hard to get everything set up ready for the weekend. Invitations have already been sent but they needed some people to help put up flyers around campus and the general town. So I spent today with my bag full of leaflets, sticking them up everywhere I could and talking to people about the event, trying to encourage them to come along. Lots of the people I spoke to seemed interested which I'm happy about! Hopefully there should be a good turn out; it's a great cause after all.

I bumped into Sam on the way back. He asked me about the event and he said he'd love to come along! He said he might be a bit late because he needs to finish writing his part of his presentation first, but he said he really wants to see my painting! I can't decide whether to feel super-excited or super-nervous! I hope he likes it. I'm going to be there most of the day helping to prepare and set up refreshments as well as do additional fundraising things during the evening, but hopefully I'll be able to spend some time with Sam too.

Can't wait!

Jess

* * *

_6__th__ March 2004_

Dear Diary,

The charity gallery and auction went so well! I'm shattered since I was up half the night, helping to tidy everything away but it was so worth it! We raised $12,352! Can you believe it?! Some of the high-ranking college sponsors were there and were really impressed and donated a lot of money, which is awesome! My painting sold for $250! I can't believe it! Why would someone pay that for something I made?! Although, I think the fact that Sam said he liked it meant more to me than what someone wanted to pay for it. He looked at it for ages, head tilted to the side, frowning slightly, as if trying to read the hidden meaning of the universe in it. It made me worry he didn't like it. I think I chewed a hole in my lip I was so nervous!

Once he snapped out of it, he asked me if it was a donkey. A donkey!? The cheek of it! I knew he was teasing though; his eyes had that sparkle they get when he's bantering with someone. I smacked him on the arm for that which made him laugh. He said he liked it, how I used the colors and textures. He said I've got a lot of talent! He added that he didn't know the first thing about Art and it could be total trash for all he knew, but he liked it anyway because I'd clearly spent a long time on it and for some reason it made him feel like he was looking at another world. And that was the best compliment I've ever had for something I've made. It was honest, heart-felt, direct, none of this fancy artistic language and metaphors. And I know that Sam never says anything that he doesn't mean, always thinking about everything, weighing everything up, so he wouldn't have just said that because he felt he had to…or at least I hope he wouldn't!

So, good day, but even though I've been taking it easy today I think another early night is in order before work begins again in earnest tomorrow.

Night!

Jess

* * *

_11__th__ March 2004_

Dear Diary,

Today has to be the most fun day I've ever spent in the library! I'll give you two guesses why, but you're probably only going to need one. Guess I've been becoming a one-track record lately about a certain someone, but I can't help it. And I'm not sorry!

I got to the library mid-morning, needing to do some research on Piaget and child development theories, not particularly looking forward to the whole thing. I collected my books and made my way to the study area. Sam was there with someone, clearly working on something together, paper and books spread out in front of them. Sam looked stressed, frown on his face. Despite wanting to go over and say hi, I didn't want to interrupt so I just found a spare desk and got started. Sam did see me after a while; he waved and smiled, before carrying on with his work. How can a simple wave and smile make a morning so much brighter!? Lotta says I've got it bad but I think she's just being melodramatic.

Anyway, it got to lunchtime and I was getting fed up. I looked up to see Sam's workmate leaving and Sam dropped his head to his hands, softly banging his head off the desk a few times before running his hand through his hair. I packed up my things and went over to see if he was ok, sitting myself in the seat Sam's friend just left. He said he was fine, just stressed. He's got this presentation coming up and he's been paired with Kallum and apparently it's a nightmare. The guy isn't pulling his weight and any work he does do is so far off the mark Sam's basically having to do it all again to make sure it's right. Kallum's so close to dropping out and just doesn't seem to care anymore from Sam what was saying, and being paired with him is really making life difficult for Sam.

I asked him if he wanted to come and get some lunch with me, take a break from everything, but he said he couldn't. Presentation's only a week away and since Sam's carrying them both, he's got twice the workload and no way around it. I asked if it would help if he talked through what he had so far, have someone to listen and to bounce ideas off of, someone who wouldn't either ignore him or make completely nonsensical suggestions. He said that that would really help, but only if I didn't mind. I assured him I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it, so we gathered up all of his books and found an empty study room so we could talk without disturbing everyone else.

We spent most of the afternoon in there. It was fascinating, listening to Sam talking about the different legal procedures and the importance of the differing legal responsibilities assigned to different groups, protecting their rights and how these structures can be made stronger and more reliable, more protective and beneficial to the parties involved. Once he'd worked out a few of the kinks in what he was trying to say, Sam really got into the flow of his presentation. It was amazing to see; he's got such passion and conviction in what he's saying. Just the way he spoke, moved, used his gestures to back up his argument, the minutely detailed evidence he presented. He's incredible; I was hanging off his every word.

Whilst it's unfair that he has to work harder than anyone just because his partner is a free-loader, Sam doesn't need him in the slightest. The presentation is perfect and he has nothing to worry about. He blushed when I told him that, the more confident Sam shrinking slightly into the more unassuming, self-deprecating Sam I've come to know. He said he's really nervous about it because apparently there are some scouts coming to view the presentations and from that they will be getting an idea about who they might be inviting for interview for their law schools. That's a long way off, but Sam said that even now, if you get your face and name known, then you have a significantly higher chance later down the line if they've already got you pegged as someone to watch out for. I'm sure they'll snap him up; he's clearly good at this.

He asked me what I was doing next Wednesday and whether I would consider coming to watch too. He said knowing that someone was there supporting him would make him feel calmer. I agreed in a heartbeat. I'd love nothing more than to cheer him on, and I told him so. His smile was so wide I thought his cheeks would break! He scooped me into the tightest hug. He gives the best hugs!

I haven't stopped smiling since then! Sam's going to be great next week, and he's going to knock those head-hunters dead with his talent, I just know it!

Not that I'm biased or anything!

Jess

* * *

Next chapter coming soon.

Hope you enjoyed! Reviews are very much appreciated :)


	4. 13th March - 23rd April 2004

AN: So Sam and Jess become couple! :) Whilst I want to give the pair of them as many happy moments as I possibly can, I wanted their relationship to be real, with ups and downs - drama, fun and misunderstandings. There is still an inordinate amount of schmoop and fluff though! Also, I couldn't resist a certain visitor during Sam's presentation... :) Hope you enjoy; reviews are loved.

**Warning** - Entry 2nd April may be triggery for some; it involves a physical assault and the heavy implication of the potential of worse. Feel free to skip this entry if this makes you uncomfortable.

* * *

13th March - 23rd April 2004

_13__th__ March 2004_

Dear Diary,

Sam asked me out! I'm going out on a date with Sam next week! I don't know whether to laugh, scream, run around, or what. I will admit to doing a celebratory dance as soon as I was on my own! Don't judge me, I'm just so excited, and happy, and nervous, but mainly excited and happy right now! I can't believe it! . ! Lotta's forbidden me to mention it more than five times a day, says I'll drive her insane otherwise, but I don't care! I'm going on a date with Sam!

I was sorting out my laundry, putting my t-shirts on hangers, when he came over. I could tell it wasn't just a social call by the way he shuffled his feet and kept twisting his hands together. I invited him in, so long as he didn't mind the mess. He seemed quiet but he assured me he was fine so I started jabbering on about school like an idiot when he interrupted me, clearly having screwed up the courage to say something. He asked me to sit down; he was chewing on his lip, knee bouncing where he was sitting. I sat next to him where he was perched on the edge of my bed, and I admit I was getting a bit worried about him. I put my hand on his knee to calm him and he threaded his fingers through mine, staring out our hands as I stared at his profile, trying to figure out what was wrong. He took this real deep breath and twisted to face me, keeping my hand trapped between both of his. And then he looked me right in the eye and asked me. Would I like to go out with him next week, as a date? He said he really likes spending time with me, that I make him smile, that I'm such a great friend and that he's never met someone as smart, as kind and as beautiful as me! I can't believe that that is really true, but the words melted my insides just the same. I just sat there, mouth open like a some kind of freak. I couldn't believe what he'd said. Coming from anyone else his words might have seemed cheesy, over-the-top, like a corny pick-up line, but everything about him was so sincere, so earnest, so Sam. How I could say anything except yes and that I felt the same way about him. You should have seen his face! He was clearly stunned that I'd agreed so readily, but the smile which eventually stretched across his face was the brightest I'd ever seen, and that's saying something!

I feel I'm on cloud ninety-nine! I don't know how I'm going to be able to make it through til next week! Especially with Sam's presentation in between. We would have gone out for our date sooner but Sam thought he'd better get that out of the way first. Whilst a whole week seems far too far away, I'm going to have to patient and I can completely understand why Sam wanted to wait until after.

I'm so happy! I'm never going to be able to sleep! Counting down til date-night!

Jess

* * *

_17__th__ March 2004_

Dear Diary,

Presentation day. Sam was incredible! It went so so well. He was confident, passionate, convincing, just so professional. I can't believe he's only pre-law; he should be a lawyer already! He was so nervous beforehand, his hand shaking in mine as he clutched it tight, but I hugged him and told him he'd be fine, more than fine. And he was. The panel seemed very impressed, and they should be! (And on a completely shallow note, he looks amazing in a suit!)

During the mingling after it was all over, when Sam was talking to a group of professors on the other side of the room, this guy came up to me, asked if I was friends with Sam. Said, 'Sam did a great job, didn't he?' I told him he sure did and that I was really proud of him. He told me he was too, which is when I tore my eyes away from Sam and focused on this guy. He sure looked proud, wide smile, eyes trained on Sam just like mine had been; I can't explain why but he seemed sad too. I asked him if he was a friend of Sam's as well. He said that he was 'something like that', that they went way back and that he was just passing through town. Sam hadn't mentioned anything about an old friend visiting so I asked him if Sam knew he was here, because if they were as close as the guy implied then I was sure Sam would want to catch up. The guy frowned at that and shook his head, saying he couldn't stay and that it'd probably be best if Sam didn't know he'd come in the first place, so not to tell him; he'd just wanted to drop in and see how Sam was doing. I heard Sam laughing at something the woman he was talking to had said, drawing both mine and Sam's friend's attention. When I turned back, the guy had gone. I didn't even hear him leave.

I wish I'd asked his name. I'm sure Sam would like to know this guy, whoever he was, had taken the time to see Sam's moment and that someone else was proud of him, but then I remembered the look in his eye and how he'd asked me not to tell, for Sam's sake. I don't like keeping secrets, Sam's never kept any from me, but maybe it's for the best. Sam's been smiling so wide ever since the presentation and I won't be the one to take that away. I don't know why knowing an old friend visiting and being proud of him would do that, but this guy was adamant. It's strange…

But in any case, I'm so proud of him! Lots of people and law schools were interested in him and he's got a page full of contacts! He's amazing! I kissed him on the cheek in congratulation, which flustered him. He's so adorable. Two days until our first date…Can't wait!

Jess

* * *

_21__st__ March 2004_

Dear Diary,

I've just got back from my first date with Sam. I feel like I'm floating on air, or some other equally corny, romantic cliché. Lotta made good her threat and threw her script at me, but I don't care. Nothing's going to stop me feeling on top of the world!

It was so nice. Sam came to pick me up, right on time. I'd been ready for a while, having tried on numerous outfits, stressing about what to wear since I didn't know what we'd be doing; Sam wanted it to be a surprise. He brought me flowers; they were gorgeous. I thought it might be awkward, since we're already good friends and all, but it wasn't, not in the slightest. He was still my friend, teasing me about my choice of top, before saying I looked great. It was still just me and Sam hanging out together, having fun; it was perfect.

We walked in the sunshine to the park, where Sam had set up a picnic for us. We spent the afternoon and evening just sat chatting, people watching, eating. Once we'd eaten all the delicious food Sam had brought he reached over, super slowly, to hold my hand. I could feel him watching my reaction out of the corner of his eye. I smiled at him, curling my fingers round his, shuffling closer and resting my head on his shoulder, enjoying the feel of his hand in mine as we sat in a peaceful, comfortable silence. It was such a nice change of pace, just me and him and nothing else. No school, no drama, no worries. I don't know that all first dates go so smoothly, but I think since we already know each other well, through spending so much time together over the past few months, the pressure to impress wasn't there even though we both clearly wanted the date to go well. It was perfect. Sam's perfect.

As always, he walked me home. Before he left he told me, with a shy smile, what a great time he'd had and that he'd like to take me out again sometime. I told him I'd love that, trying to ignore the goosebumps which Sam's hand skimming up and down my arm was raising on my skin. He leant in and kissed me on the cheek, before smiling at me one more time and wishing me goodnight, waiting until I was safely inside before he left. He's such a sweetheart and gentleman. I really appreciate the fact that he wants to take things slow, to enjoy getting to know each other as a couple rather than just as friends. I feel like this could be something really special and I don't want to screw it up.

It's already tomorrow. I didn't realise how late it's gotten. I'd better go otherwise I'll never be up for lectures tomorrow. Don't know I'll be able to sleep though, I'm too happy!

Jess

* * *

_25__th__ March 2004_

Dear Diary,

I love how Sam can treat me like a princess on dates and also still be my best friend at the same time. We still study and hang out together just like always and it's great. Even though I wish he wouldn't find it so entertaining to throw paper airplanes at me when I'm trying to study and he's already done.

He was over at mine this afternoon after his seminar to study. I've got lessons to plan and he's got an essay to write. We managed a good couple of hours before we gave up and just camped out on the couch, with some chips and watched some reruns of The Simpsons on the TV. It was really nice.

I can't believe how lucky I am, that a simple afternoon of studying and watching TV with Sam can make me so happy! Looking forward to more afternoons like this!

Jess

* * *

_27__th__ March 2004_

Dear Diary,

Sam kissed me tonight before he said goodnight. I don't know what to do with myself; I can't sit still! I keep replaying it in my head, pinching myself to make sure I didn't dream it! He's such a good kisser! OK Jess, calm, collected. You are a twenty year old woman, not a thirteen year old girl. Get a grip!

We'd just got back from the debating society formal where we'd talked and laughed and danced and had lots of fun. We got to the front of my building and I turned to say goodbye, just like always, when Sam stepped a bit closer, enveloping one of my hands in his, bringing his right up to brush my cheek. I'm sure I was blushing by then; my heart was pounding in my chest, I know that for sure, breath catching. He whispered my name, like a question, his gorgeous eyes flicking from my own gaze to my mouth. I squeezed his hand, pulling him a little closer, wanting him to know that I was more than ok with the way things were going. He closed the gap between us completely then, his hand sliding to my back as he pressed his lips to mine. It was soft, lingering, chaste, but it sent shivers coursing through me all the same. He tasted like the beer he'd been drinking and something just Sam.

He smiled down at me once he'd pulled back, dimples shining, eyes blazing, his nose brushing mine. I couldn't help but smile back as he slid his hand up into my hair and cradled my head as he leant in and kissed me again. I fisted my hands in his shirt, not sure that my legs would hold me for much longer if he carried on this way. I don't know how long we would have lingered on the doorstep, but Lotta's wolf-whistling as she practically hung out of our third floor window made us spring apart, Sam blushing crimson before laughing at Lotta throwing screwed up balls of paper at us. He took a long look at me, smiling, before saying a soft goodnight and that he'd see me tomorrow before walking off into the night, sending a sardonic wave to Lotta as he went.

I'll make sure Lotta pays for that; I'm never going to shut up about Sam ever again, no matter how much she threatens or begs! It would serve her right. But interruption aside, I couldn't have asked for a better night.

Happy dreams for me tonight I'm sure.

Jess

* * *

_2__nd__ April 2004_

Dear Diary,

I'm 100% sure these kind of memories are not the ones Mom wanted to me to write in here, not the experiences she wanted me to go through, but it happened and if I only record the good things then this journal's only a half-picture, right? And I think getting it down on paper might help me deal with it, I don't know.

I really don't know what to say; I'm still really shaken up. Sam's made me some cocoa, cleaned up my cuts and hasn't left my side, keeping me safe, but I think it's going to take me a while to brush this off. I'll be fine though, I know I will, thanks to Sam; I dread to think what might have… No, I'm not going to think about that. I'm fine; Sam saved me. He's my hero! But now I'm more curious than ever about his past; where did he learn to do that?! It wasn't someone lashing out, all desperate-like; he knew what he was doing, he's been trained. It's like he's a spy, or a super-hero…my very own Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne. I want nothing more than to ask, to know more about my boyfriend and his past. But I know Sam, and I know better than to ask. I'm just glad he was there and knew what to do.

Sam and I were planning on meeting at his to get some studying done before just hanging out together. I was running a little late, but I'd phoned Sam to let him know I was leaving and that I'd see him in 15. It was getting dark, but not enough for Sam to object to me walking over on my own. It was only maybe five minutes since I'd left mine when I started to feel like someone was watching me, following me. I stopped and looked around, taking my earphones out just in case, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. I decided I was being paranoid, but I just wanted to get to Sam's, to make the prickling on the back of my neck go away. I was only around the corner from Sam's when someone grabbed me from behind, hand over my mouth and dragged me into the alley.

The panic, I can't even begin to describe it. I just, I didn't know what to do. I mean, they tell you to fight, to make as much noise as you can to draw attention to what's going on, to throw your valuables away from you since anything you have can be replaced, just keep yourself safe. Knowing all these things is all well and good in theory, but I just froze, my mind blanked, just fear and 'Sam!' running through my head. It's stupid but my first thought was how mad Sam was going to be when he found out; he's never liked me walking on my own, I can only assume he was worried about something like this happening…

Once my brain had caught up with what was going on, I started to fight, to scream, to try to get away, but the guy had me pinned, face to the wall, crowding up behind me. I bucked and kicked; I didn't even feel my cheek grating, skin tearing, on the dirty brick. I was trapped, and all I wanted was to be far away from this guy, wanted to be snuggled up safe and sound on the couch with Sam. I fought as hard as I could until the guy pulled out a knife; it was only small, but sharp and shining in the dark of the alley. I feel so useless, so weak, but I stopped fighting, stopped screaming; I just wanted to get out of there alive.

I begged the guy to let me go, to take my bag, my wallet, my cell, anything, just to let me go. He just laughed at that, saying that wasn't what he wanted, knife at my neck, brushing the hair off my face. Sam does that; he laughs at me when my hair gets everywhere, saying I've got far too much of it for my own good, but I know he loves it really. He likes to run his fingers through it absently when we're studying or watching TV or just curled up together; I don't think he realises he does it half the time… But anyway, the fact that this guy was doing something that Sam does scared me even more than the knife, made me sick to my stomach. The knife felt cold on my skin, I remember that much. I tried to hold still, held my breath as he leaned in close, too close. I screwed my eyes shut so I wouldn't have to see him, what was happening; I know it was cowardly but I just wanted to pretend it wasn't real. Wanted to be with Sam and forget this ever happened. I can still feel the knife, the brush of his stubble against my neck as he whispered obscene things in my ear as he petted my hair. It makes me shiver to think of it.

I know I was crying by this point; I wanted to be stronger but I was so scared. Then the next thing I knew was the guy was gone, his weight pressing me against the wall suddenly vanished. I spun around at that, leaning against the brick, world tilting around me as I pulled in as much air as I could. It took me a moment to realise what had happened. It was Sam! I don't why he was there; maybe he'd gotten worried that I was late and had come looking for me, I don't know. Sam had wrenched the guy off me, shoving him away from me and into the garbage pile on the opposite side of the alley. He turned to me then, eyes full of fear and worry as he reached out to clutch my shoulders, bracing me against the wall, asking me if I was ok, eyes frantically scanning me for injury.

The anger in his eyes scared me a bit as he noticed the graze on my cheek and the thin cut on my neck. But then the guy was on his feet again, clearly furious at being interrupted and body-checked by Sam. He swung out at Sam but Sam was quick to dodge the blow, and began fighting back like he was born to it. Every move was calculated, efficient; Sam avoided almost every hit, landing numerous punches and kicks of his own, until the guy was down, out cold. I know I must have looked like a fish, gaping at Sam the way I was, but I couldn't believe it! Sam's the kindest, gentlest person I know, and, sure, I know he can get passionate about things, and kind of intense sometimes, but this was nothing I've seen before. The fury in his eyes, his body vibrating with it, using the power of every inch of his frame...he was like a completely different person. But then to see all that just fall off him as he returned to me, pulling me close, burying his face in my hair, it was incredible. I could feel him trembling; I was shaking too. I knew I probably should feel scared since Sam was essentially trapping me all over again, but it couldn't be more different. I felt safe, protected. I fisted my hands in the back of his jacket, clinging on for dear life, drowning myself in the feel of Sam and his caring words which he murmured into my skin.

I don't remember much about the short walk back to Sam's. I just tucked myself into his side, eyes on the sidewalk, focusing on his arm around my shoulders and his heartbeat under my palm. He settled me onto the couch, got the first kit and cleaned me up. He called the local police and reported the incident; I think we have to go down to the precinct in the morning to give our statements. I want them to catch this guy so he doesn't attack anyone else but I just want to forget it ever happened. I'm ok, just a couple of scrapes, I just want things to be back to normal.

Sam hasn't let me out of his sight since, keeping me close, wrapping me up in his arms, soothing me. Part of me feels like I should feel smothered, but I can't deny I like it. Being here, now, curled up in his arms, I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be, anywhere I would feel safer. And I kind of think having me close is helping Sam too; I've never seen him as lost and scared as he was when we got back here and he'd bolted the door behind us.

Things could have gone so differently tonight. I owe Sam my life. I don't deserve him. He was so brave. What use was I?! Sam told me not to think that way, but I can't help it. But I'm going to be fine; we're going to be fine.

I'm nervous about going to sleep; I can still hear him, feel him, smell him, but I know Sam's here and he will stand guard and chase away any nightmares. I trust him, more than I can say.

Jess

* * *

_9__th__ April 2004_

Dear Diary,

Last week's incident is finally all done with; the guy has been caught, thank goodness. Sam was a bit jumpy when we went down to the precinct, which didn't make sense to me. He hadn't done anything wrong, and Sam's the last person I would ever think would be in trouble with the cops; he's as law-abiding as they come! I must admit I've been a bit reluctant to leave the house after that night, but Sam coaxed me into it, dragging me on pointless errands, just to get me out and about. He was always with me, holding my hand tightly, chatting away to keep me from worrying. I'm all good now. Still a bit more wary and not so comfortable being out on my own yet, but I'm not going to let this get in the way of enjoying Stanford and spending time with Sam. I'm young, I've got an amazing boyfriend, and I'm going to enjoy life, not be scared, waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I don't think I could have made that decision though without Sam's encouragement and support; I don't what I'd do without him.

It's the Easter fun-fair tomorrow. I'm going with Sam, although it did require a certain level of bribery! Who doesn't like carnivals?! Can't wait!

Jess

* * *

_10__th__ April 2004_

Dear Diary,

Ok, so now I know why Sam wasn't too keen on the whole carnival idea. Turns out he's got this phobia of clowns. It seems pretty bad. When we got there and one of the workers, dressed as a clown I might add, approached us to stamp our ticket, Sam full-on flinched and slid himself behind me. I teased him about it at first, but as the morning went on I could see from his reactions it wasn't just a silly, childhood fear, but a proper phobia. I could tell he was trying to hide it from me, like he didn't want me to know or to spoil the day, but I've gotten pretty good at reading Sam and I knew he was feeling uncomfortable. I'd have been exactly the same if it was something to do with mice; I hate those damn things! They give me the creeps, make my skin crawl. It's not my fault - my cousin put his pet mouse into my bed whilst I was sleeping when I was six. I woke up to it crawling all over me, its horrible feet scratching at me, just…eurgh! I've never quite forgiven James for that.

Sam tried to deny it when I confronted him about his fear, but when I shared my mouse-phobia with him he relented and told me he 'really really really doesn't like clowns'. Understatement, I think! I dragged Sam out of the stall section of the enclosure, to the quieter end where we bought some cotton candy. He was much happier when it was just us, no clowns wandering around. We people-watched for a while before going on a few of the rides (the non-clown related ones – I made sure) and we also avoided the 'Mouse Trap' one, thank you very much!

Despite having to avoid childhood traumas it was a good day. We met up with Becky and gang mid-afternoon and we had a blast on the water-gun game, although I think we were more soaked than the targets! Before we left Sam and I got our faces painted. I used to get it done every summer when I was a kid but from what I could gather Sam hadn't ever had it done. Who goes through childhood without having their face painted at least once?! We didn't get full-on masks painted on, just a pattern on our cheek. I got some intertwined flowers running down from my temple, curling down across my cheek towards my chin. Sam got this cool, psychedelic pattern painted across the left half of his face. It was so fun! Sam's such a child though; he didn't want to wash it off and I didn't have the heart to tell him to. So here we are -I'm staying over at his, we're cuddled up on the sofa watching some action movie, both of us with our face-paint still on! And I'll bet you any money Sam will still have his on in the morning!

Jess

* * *

_16__th__ April 2004_

Dear Diary,

Lotta's opening night! She was so nervous beforehand and when Lotta gets nervous she gets loud (yes, louder!). I think she may have OD'ed on sugar though thanks to all the candy she was putting away as she was getting ready. I went to wish her luck backstage before curtain up; she was so excited. The play was amazing! And Lotta was awesome – Hollywood better watch out! Lotta just disappeared into her character; it was like she was a whole new person. I mean, I've seen her practising, running lines with her and everything, but seeing her in costume, with the lights and set and everything, it was incredible! She's so talented! Sam, Nicolai and I gave her a standing ovation (and the rest of the cast of course!) at the end. I think Nicolai might have teared up a little bit, being so proud of his sister and all, but he just said the stage-smoke had gotten in his eye. I don't believe him!

Me and Sam stayed for the after-party for a bit, congratulating Lotta, but we decided to head back when the cast went out into Palo Alto to celebrate some more. We stopped for some frozen yogurt on the way back which was nice. Sam was going to stay over at mine since Lotta's out for the night, and then away for the next couple of weeks touring the production, but he's got some work to finish for tomorrow so he couldn't. As always, he walked me back and kissed me goodnight on the doorstep, waiting until I was safe inside before leaving.

OK, enough is enough. I've been trying not to think about this; I wasn't going to write about it, but, just the way he kissed tonight, the way he looked at me…

Lately it's all I can think about. I know it's so soon; I haven't known Sam for very long, but…I think, I love him. I've only known him for a few months but he's all I can think about. I just want to make him smile, support and encourage him through everything. I want to spend every waking moment with him. My breath catches when he looks at me, and my skin tingles every time he touches me. When he kisses me it's like he's all there is. My stomach feels tied up in knots whenever I think of him, and I still blush whenever someone talks to me about him. I can't get him out of my head and my heart feels twice as big as it should, like Sam has set up camp there and has no intention of leaving. Not that I would ever want him to…

I've never felt like this before. I've found guys attractive in the past, really liked them and cared about them, but nothing's ever felt like this. Like Sam put the sun, moon and stars in the sky. Like I can trust him with my life and my heart. Like I would curl up and die if he wasn't in my life. And like he's the most important person in the world and I'd do anything to make him happy, just as I know he'd do the same for me.

It seems ridiculous to me; our relationship is still so new, but I know how I feel. I can't keep the goofy smile of my face even as I write this! I love Sam. With all I am. I think I'm going to keep it to myself for a while though, even though I might burst! I don't know how he feels and I don't want to freak him out by telling him just yet. I'm kind of freaking myself out if I'm honest!

I'd better stop writing before I cross every cliché bridge and die of shame!

Night!

Jess

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_23__rd__ April 2004_

Dear Diary,

I don't know what to say. I think I've ruined everything. Why do I do this? I push and I push, and I think this time I've pushed him away. I don't know what to do. It was our first real argument. I was only trying to help. But he told me to leave. I know he'd never hurt me, but the way he held himself, the way he yelled, crowded me… He scared me, so I left.

I was round at his; we were studying. He seemed a bit down, like he was preoccupied or upset about something. I asked him why but he brushed it off, saying it was nothing. I didn't believe him but I let it go. After a few hours I thought it was time for a snack break but Sam didn't have much in so I ran down to the store on 5th to grab us some things. When I got back Sam was staring at a photo in his lap, phone clutched in his hand. He was shaking. He looked so young and small, almost fragile.

All I wanted to do was hug him, make everything ok, but as soon as he heard me he pushed the picture and phone away, claiming he was fine. I tried to make him talk about it. I didn't see the photo but I'm 99% sure it was someone from his family. I don't even know if they're alive, if they're ok, where they are, if Sam fell out with them. Nothing. But I know he doesn't like talking about them, and I've respected that, but today I just snapped. Seeing him so upset, keeping everything bottled inside, it's hurting him; he needs to talk about them, about whatever happened between them. I'm so close to my parents; I can't imagine not talking to them regularly. I wanted to help him, to get him to open up. But as soon as I started asking, pushing, Sam lashed out. I tried to argue my point of view, but Sam's not top of his class for no reason; he tore all my words down like they were nothing. That hurt. But it hurts more that I upset him, that I left him angry and hurting. I'm so ashamed of myself for that.

I just hope we can fix this, that I can fix this. I love him. I don't know what to do. I need to apologise, but I feel like I need to give him some time. I don't want to hurt him anymore.

I'm so sorry, Sam.

Jess

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Thanks for reading - next part coming soon.

Reviews are greatly appreciated :)


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